Alone Time On The Bay.

Finally. Me time. I've been craving some silence. Enough with the racket of life.  Now I can feel the silence. My ears are ringing. The surf is up tonight pounding the beach and yes some would say that was racket but, it belongs here. My window beside me is open and it feels good. The smells of the bay float in through the window, salt, seaweed and the smells of Spring. Some would say it's a stink but, it belongs here. I'm feeling a lot of gratitude in this moment. Immensely grateful to literally be in this spot where I sit. I could be anywhere on the planet but I am here. Where I am a very strong empath I not only absorb human energies but more so I do with nature, I feel the energies of my surroundings and that keeps me grounded.

One huge thing I'm grateful for when it comes to living here is in knowing that everything that belongs here will always be here. It is constant. It is a protected area and there is comfort in knowing that there will never be any highways, or development of any kind, not ever. It will remain untouched and retain it's raw, wild beauty.

I fit in here. For someone that doesn't like change this is the place for me. Well, far as where I live anyways. I need my home to always be familiar to me. For some people 'home' is just some place to hang your hat, eat your meals, lay your head. Some people don't care about their surroundings. Home for me is not so much about where I lay my head as it is about life itself. My home is my life. It's my safe place in the world. There are no surprises waiting for me. There is no fear of hurt or pain. There is only warmth and familiarity. My home is my nirvana. I have the forest to my back and the bay that stretches out in before me. I am surrounded by enough nature that I can get lost until I decide to be found. I feel safe and protected here. The land does that, the sky, the marsh, the beach, the cove and the spirits that walk these grounds. I feel at one with being here. I wonder to myself if other people feel as I do - connected to the land.  If it's possible for one to feel their destiny then this is my destiny, to be here. I feel that. It is an inner knowing.

As I sit here in the wee hours of the morning, alone, glancing out through the window into the darkened night I listen to the bay. She is restless tonight. She slams the beach with the rhythmic roll of her waves. She makes her presence known. And I hear her. I feel her. She has my attention.

The best therapy in the world is alone time with oneself. It clears out the cobwebs that collect when we are busy living life. My alone time is a benefit to everyone else in my life. It makes me more tolerant of others and their shortcomings. It just lightens the load of life outside ourselves. The things that we cannot control that do affect us. We are all  in need of balance in our lives and I believe that balance begins with oneself. We need to be our own best friend. Alone time brings us closer to ourselves. To know ourselves better. My balance lies in knowing that I am a part of this land and the land is a part of me. People may come and go in our lives but some things never change. I take comfort in that. I am my destiny.

To you dear reader. I hope that if you are lost that you will find your way. Get to know who you are and what you are all about. Be your own best friend. But most importantly become aware of the bigger picture of your life by connecting to the life force around you. It is larger than we are. Belong to it. This is my home. I belong.

You can always find me at the next high tide...

Natalie

Soul Tune - Ken Tobias

Time and Tide: THE GOOD DEED

Time and Tide: THE GOOD DEED:   I was a single parent of three young boys aged 5,6 and 9 when one Christmas a 'good deed' came back as a Christmas present.  ...

Time and Tide: THE GOOD DEED

Time and Tide: THE GOOD DEED:   I was a single parent of three young boys aged 5,6 and 9 when one Christmas a 'good deed' came back as a Christmas present.  ...

Time and Tide: JUNE BUG ALERT!!!

Written last year but, time for a repost. It will soon be relevant.





Time and Tide: JUNE BUG ALERT!!!: OMG. I was just sitting here tonight, half reading on the laptop, half watching The Big Bang Theory, and thinking about June Bugs. I was ...

LIVE FEED TO THE BAY OF FUNDY IN CHANCE HARBOUR!

LIVE NOW at https://t.co/NyzUgTe96k come and check it out! Out going tide. +6C. Real feel is already at +12C with a high of +12C for today. Random background music. Come sit a spell!

https://www.ustream.tv/broadcaster/19398688#itm_campaign=broadcast_interstitial&itm_source=skip

 

A CORRUGATED BOX AND A SINGLE RED ROSE.

All those many years ago it was a day just like today. Gray, pouring down, hard rain. Your tiny little box was lowered into the small hole in the ground. I had a single rose with 'sister' banded in gold and white that wrapped around it. I held it over the hole and let it drop on the box. I stood there whispering, "I'm sorry, I am so sorry." I stood there a while longer watching the huge rain drops pattering down onto the box and the rose. I watched as the rain soaked the white corrugated cardboard  box and turn it brown. It wasn't even water proof. To my left about 200 yards away sat a backhoe, it's motor softly purring while two men sat inside it and watched me.  They were waiting for me to leave so they could fill in the hole and get in out of the down pour of rain. "Go to hell." I thought to myself at those two men. "I will leave when I am damned good and ready." I continued to stand while my two friends stood back behind me, silently allowing me this moment. We were already as wet as one could get so it made no difference. At least we were alive to feel the cold and wet and that was a good thing. I wanted to rescue you Cindy but, it was too late.

A fight ensued after your death. A fight to find out why, on that fateful morning why you were not packing up to leave the hospital to come home as planned but had been laying dead in your hospital bed for over 6 hours.

Turns out Cindy that you hadn't done anything wrong. The hospital did. It was an unrequested dose of insulin given to you by the staff that took your life. Matter of fact, there had been a specific note that you were to not have insulin before bed.  They gave it to you anyways and hypoglycemia kicked in then seizures then coma then death. Your roommate said the curtain between her bed and yours had been pulled so she didn't know what the rustling sound was about when you were seizing. There were no call bells in the room.

That morning at home around 5:30am the phone rang. It was suppose to be you calling Mom and Dad to say you were ready for discharge and for them to come pick you up. But the voice on the other end of the phone was not you. It was a nurse saying that you passed away during the night.

Mother was given a see through plastic bag with your bed clothes in it. There was condensation on the inside of the bag. Mother opened the bag, already knowing what she would find. All your clothes were wet with perspiration. The bag held that certain scent that comes along with hypoglycemia. Mother knew right then in that very moment that you had been given insulin before bed.

For the next six months your picture was on the front page of the news papers. How you would of hated that. You never did like people looking at you, let alone the whole province. The family had demanded answers. How could this happen? She was fine and even called the night before to say she was to be released and could she be picked up. It was after that phone call that was the beginning of the end for you. What is sad were your last words to Mom and Dad - that things were going to change. That you met other patients in there with a lot more problems than you and you could see that very clearly  and how lucky you were. Haunting last words.

After fighting with the hospital administration for answers and not getting anywhere an autopsy was performed on you. A Corners Inquest was performed. The cause of death - Hypoglycemia. An overdose of insulin. Mother was right.

Because they are a hospital and not an single entity laying charges would be a waste of time. A lawyer said, "You virtually cannot  sue a hospital."

In the end Mother let it all go and went on with her life.

Sadly, your life ended at 31 years of age. You never had the chance to marry nor have children - a family of your own. I know how it bothered you to see me grow up and leave and then your younger sisters as well left to start a whole new life for themselves. Everyone was moving forward but you. I got that. It wasn't fair at all. You had so many issues, most not your own fault. For anything else I forgave you.

The hospital walked away scott free. I kept hoping something somewhere  that something good would come of it all. Well, because of the difficulties in dealing with releases of information on your medical records a Patient Advocate was born. That office is still in existence today. I hope they have been a help for others faced with the same roadblocks that our family was.

I have so many memories of you Cindy. Do you remember how most people would say they couldn't tell you or I apart until they got up close, face to face so they could see the colours of our eyes? We were almost twins except by the color of our eyes. Oh and you were a tad shorter than me. Remember how you hated the fact that I could grow my hair down to my waist almost overnight and you couldn't even get past shoulder length after trying to for years? Do you remember how much you loved music? Do you remember how you loved to dance and man could you move! Do you remember how we shared a bedroom? Our bunks side by side and how we'd giggle as we lay there in the dark about the craziest things? I remember you were such a beautiful baby that grew to be a very beautiful young woman. I remember all these things and more. I can remember everything for the both of us.You had so many issues, none of which you asked for. For those that didn't know you well they had no idea what hell your life was. But I knew. Oh yes I knew.

Yes Cindy this day today, sooo many years later it is the anniversary of the day you left us. I cannot get over the weather - it is exactly the same as it was back then. I wonder if somewhere on this planet if there isn't someone else standing over a grave of their loved ones watching the rain patter on a corrugated cardboard box - watching it turn from white to brown. Does a rose barricade the tears of rain as they fall from heaven? Are they feeling a deep ache of regret of what could of been, what should of been?

The rain was not the only thing wetting your final resting place that day. My tears fell on it too. My last way of touching you, of hugging you of showing that I loved you dear sister. My dear baby sister.

How I hope that you are getting peace in your place of rest.

I am you and you are me and we will all be together, again.

With all my love, your big sister,

Natalie. 

To you dearest reader, we all know or will know at some point in our path through life that we will deal with the loss of a loved one. Sometimes that loss is untimely. When something like this happens it is a kind of thing that never comes to rest, not really. Somehow we have to find a way to deal with that one little detail that is so huge and weighs heavy on our conscience. On this day, for me, that is what this writing is all about. A way to say I've not forgotten the injustice of it all. It will never rest with me but will forever hover in the back ground of my life, floating there with a life force of it's own. I continue to deal with the loss of a sister who was called home far too soon. I continue to live with the fact that I never had nieces and nephews by way of my sister. I continue to deal with the fact that on this planet that she left little legacy behind the way the rest of us do. But she did live. She did exist. She loved music. She loved to dance and my god she could dance!! I hope in the childlike impression of my heart that she is dancing on the stairs of heaven. Please let there be a heaven.

You can always catch me at the next high tide ...

Natalie....