JUNE BUG ALERT!!!

OMG. I was just sitting here tonight, half reading on the laptop, half watching The Big Bang Theory, and thinking about June Bugs. I was thinking they are late this year and thinking that literally any minute they could just appear. That thought made me cringe.

See, in the country they come out earlier than in the city. In the city you can count on a June Bug living up to its name and making its first appearance on, June 1st. Here in the boonies, it is usually the middle of May. It is now the 24th. They are like a week or so late.

Sitting here tonight I could almost feel them working their way out of the ground. Seriously. Suddenly, a very loud buzzing just outside my half open, still screenless window. Yep. There it was. I jumped a foot off my chair. My heart did two thu-thumps, hard. I yelled and just about pulled one hip out of place. It is now throbbing. Have you figured it out yet? I despise June bugs. If I was standing among 12 people in my yard and the June bugs were about, the June bugs would fly past every other damned person and make a beeline for me.

To be this afraid of a bug doesn't sound rational does it? I think the fear is ingrained in me.

I am female and most females do not like June bugs. I have seen women take nosedives and hit the ground like a soldier with a grenade coming at them to escape those bugs. I've seen a female with bleached blond hair almost crawl on her hands and knees in the middle of a busy street to try to avoid the swarms of them dancing beneath the street lights and her squeaking out, "omg, omg omg omg". June bugs are attracted to anything light and that includes light colors. My friends hair stood out like a brilliant flame in a darkened room. I watched from my front door as she slowly made it across the road. I watched as she disappeared into the dark night. Her quest was to make it to her front door across the street from my home. Eventually I heard a very loud, boisterous, brave voice float out of the darkness, "I MADE IT. I AM HOME. I AM HOME!!!!" *SLAM!*

I couldn't blame her. I understood only too well her deep seated fear. The very thought that those bugs would make their way into her hair and sticking there while they made that loud buzzing and clicking sound - I think I'd run my own kids over to get away from a June bug. I kid you not.

June bugs to me are like my Kryptonite. So the irrational side of me believes. Why don't we ever see these disgusting bugs in the movies? You know the ones - a young couple holding hands slowly stroll along on a sidewalk, in a quiet suburban neighbourhood. They walk beneath leafy trees and past neatly trimmed cedar hedges. It's a warm summer night. The ambiance is set by the soft background sounds of the crickets. There are no June bugs. There are no mosquitoes. There are no moths.

Or, you see a scene of a bunch of young people sitting under the stars, gathered around a nice campfire and there isn't a bug in the scene. Love is in the air. Not screaming female leads running and screaming in horror from the terrible monsters she is being being chased by. No shots of her falling and twisting her ankle. No heaving bosoms of agony as her cries for help go unheard as she is overtaken by ugly winged monsters. How the hell do they do that?

Welcome to summer nights, rrrright. No, the only time you will see June bugs in a movie is when THEY are the stars of the movie. A June bug horror movie.

My fears of these hard shelled sticky demons have provided many a man amusement while they watched me run in horror from these ugly beasts. June bugs don't seem to bother men at all. So, for that reason should I ever create a bucket list for myself it will be to see a man decide to take a pee in the dark, against a tree or in the  bushes  and comes out screaming like a woman trying to shake a June bug off of their penis. They are sticky little suckers.

My attention and eyes are drawn back to the television screen. There is an Ape eating copious amounts of termites. I wonder if they’d like June bugs? Is it illegal to keep Apes in ones back yard?

I feel like I’m being reverted to being 5 years old again because you will not see me out after dark. Every night, from here on out, until about the middle of July. I will watch the sun go down in dread. Before dark I will be tucked safely inside my home. With every window screened in. Doors closed tight. And if the cat is out, she can stay out for the night. I am hoping she adds the June bugs to her nocturnal feasting of moths and mice.

To you dear reader, do have a wonderful summer. Keep your fly in the water. (If you have never seen a June bug, you won't see a picture of one on here. I'll not gorify them here or anywhere. you can google them.)

You can always catch me at the next high tide. Just not after dark.

 Natalie ...